Crucial Star - I’m OK
It would great to be in a relationship again, but I’m not going to be looking. I want one to naturally come to me. Like my first true girlfriend; we bonded over a game. A game, at a party, that involved alcohol and weed. We wanted nothing to do with it so we went into the hosts’ room and had our own little party there. I find that amazing actually.
How small talk became big talk, how hugs became kisses, and how holding hands and walking became sex. It was great. But I don’t want to push myself into wanting to be in a relationship with the next person I see who I think is overly attractive. I want time to do it’s work and not force one upon myself because I solely want one. I’ve only been in 3 relationships so far, and the most memorable one was my first because it happened at the spur of the moment and interest grew at a range of 3 months. Then it became official.
Will I ever experience that again? Who knows.
One movie I can never ever get bored of is Juno. I fell in love with the movie when I first saw it. Mainly because of Ellen Paige. But Juno is the only movie I have in my phone’s memory and I always find myself watching it when I don’t have anything else to do.
Maybe it’s because I’m in love with Ellen Paige’s character’s persona; Juno is like a tomboy but knows how to speak in men’s code, I guess. And Paulie being the more vulnerable in the movie just fits Michael Cera’s whole acting career, he’s so soft spoken and really is awkward in almost every movie (especially Scott Pilgrim) I’ve seen. Whoever casted Ellen and Michael as those two characters, is a genius.
And its all about romance, struggles, school, but with a cynical twist. I am forever in love with that movie. Its up there on my favourite movies list. I actually don’t think I do have a favourite movie.
It went from scorching heatwaves to rainy and cloudy.
You just never expect California weather to be consistent.
I bought my sister a cute little dress and she’s wearing it all over around the house and prancing around in it. I love that she likes it. :)
We were having a conversation about my Uncle from North Carolina and it suddenly shifted towards a heated argument. My family is notorious for not knowing dates or even remembering anything, especially when it’s about me. I get very emotional about writing stuff like this, but I’ll do it anyway.
So we’re having dinner and my grandma was speaking of my Uncle coming down next month. I ask around which time he’s coming down to visit and it so happens to fall on the week of my birthday which I thought was pretty cool because I could probably ask him to go to a restaurant for his visit and my birthday, just the two of us. He’s my favourite uncle from my dad’s side of the family. I then said loudly, “Wow, that’s close to my birthday!” My mom overheard and she said, “Crap, I always forget about your birthday.” in a disdained voice. I just sat there looking at my plate and I said under my breathe, “Like it doesn’t matter anyway, you never celebrate my birthday or even acknowledge it.”
Then it all became a heated argument about how I’m a spoiled piece of shit and all that crap. But it wasn’t too dramatic because I ended it before it could even escalate. I’ve blogged about this every year and I’ve gotten used to the fact that I won’t get any gifts but my older and younger siblings will always get stuff on their birthdays. I’ve become emotionless almost due to the fact, and I necessarily don’t really care anymore. Ever since I was younger, I questioned it to my mom and she always said, “You’re the older one in the trio, you’re more mature than your brother despite him being 2 years older than you, and you took care of your sister ever since she was a baby. You’re old and mature, you don’t need those childish, petty things.” It hurts a little to know this but most of the time, I think about it as, “It’s whatever.” My friends are always there to say Happy Birthday, though. So it’s always a little too good.
I never understood the idolizing community. I used to idolize someone too, but to an extent where I wasn’t batshit crazy, head over heels for them. I just found the idol as a big inspiration for making it to her dream despite all the ‘flaws’ that she had (note the quotation marks) that society has shit on her for. She still overcame it.
Other than that, people go nuts, balistic even, if their idol or favourite artist sends them a tweet back. I just never understood the factor of being under the impression that out of millions, they notice you, and only you for a split minute or two. Like its cool if you want to meet them or something, but going to great lengths like spamming their twitter feed or sending fan mail that they’ll probably never read and throw away, that’s when I will judge you.
I have contemplated deleting this blog so many times. But then I would see it as such a waste because I made so many friends on here and met some fantastic people. Four years of journal entries, down the drain; if I were to do such an act. But the thought sometimes overpowers me and I’m a few clicks away from doing it.
I couldn’t ever forgive myself if I did though. Too many memories in one little box to be thrown away because I’m having mixed feelings about things.
I wish I could publish everything I write on here, but my mind is pulling me back and I really can’t. I often write a lot of lengthy posts and think to myself that it’s just rambling, it’s nonsense, it doesn’t belong on my blog, and it has no meaning or coherence. Often times it’s just me being whiny or trying to think critically on a topic but ultimately failing because I don’t know how to spill the words out into text properly. I almost went on a tangent about complex minds and that’s a prime example of why everything that I write on here is either deleted, erased with backspace key, or not published at all.
I’m pretty sure that I would have a lot more pointless text posts, like this one, if I had published everything that I wrote. But most of the things that I compose make me cringe and squint my eyes. I think in the first place, “Why did this even happen?”
This post too was so close to being not published.